Hello friends, I’m back! Today, I’m sharing another part pf me. ….Go on call me “Jabela”, I’m a non denominational ordained marriage officiant. That’s a person who officiates at a wedding ceremony (among other things) I have been married for over twenty years. Over that time, I’ve accepted a few facts. And I want to share them with you.
Before you get married, I need you to intentionally consider these questions. If you aren’t sure of all of the following tips….. don’t get married for love, support and legacy building. These tips are needed, so please share them. I also offer pre-marital coaching, so no excuses sis!
Before Getting Married
For many women, marriage is something she’s been looking forward to since knee high to a grasshopper.. While it’s undoubtedly an exciting and momentous experience in life, it’s far from the ultimate goal, it’s best not to rush your trip down to the altar. Below are a few of my top SUGGESTIONS for vetting a husband. As Judge Mayblean said, Look Deep, before you leap!”
Does he pursue you? He should be articulating his intentions clearly. Not just how well he stroke. But does he truly believe that you are his wife- consistently?
Is he trying to learn you or trigger you regularly in a practical relational way? He hurts when he fails to protect you in certain situations.
He always honors you? How many pages he has and the two of ya’ll together in on none of them. Does he handle you in a certain way, If he doesn’t hold doors, look for ways to brighten your day, sis he ain’t your husband.
He enhances your femininity. He Heals your soul! Many woman running both roles. Now, I’m a Proverbs 31 woman myself. But your man should provide a safe place for you to melt all of that down when you hit the front door of your home. It’s your carefree time. Fall back sis. That 6’8 handsome , flashy man isn’t the move. He doesn’t compound trauma sis!
He lives in a way that his character demands respect. He don’t verbally nor physically demands it.
You don’t have to BUILD him. Instead you are naturally inclined to help him arrive to his assignment. But he already has the vision and putting in work. Your skill set is complimentary.This man is motivated to be the best he can be for ya’ll! He will never be content just hanging around unproductive.
I hope you aren’t attempting to coach him into asking him you to marry you. No number of child births, hot meals, sex, or family dates is gonna change his mind (& heart.) That’s a huge red flag. I have just given you many to consider. So save yourself the trauma. If it’s your intentions to be a wife and not just a “Friend with Benefits”, do not assume that he will ever make you his wife.
Sis, you are “The Prize” Don’t be confused anymore! Claim it, Walk in it a – put the work in and secure your hearts desires. Prizes don’t chase. Find out more about me here………(click here)
It was a good night to be in! LOADS of valuable information was shared about saving black pregnant moms. I had the honor of sharing information about Momsrisng and how effective doulas can be during this intense time.
But first things first, please go sign up for updates and action posts from Momsrising.org! I can’t tell you how much I love that organization! Then go sign up for updates for Representative Dr. Alma Adams office. She ‘s like the mom I would want if I didn’t have the wonderful one given to me! SERIOUSLY. Now…….. back to the symposium. It was GREAT! I learned so much. North Carolina and the United States as a whole gotta do better for our black pregnant moms. Rep Adams office did and amazing job putting together a powerhouse of industry and community advocates that shed so much light on these disparities and vile practices.
She and her staff was joined by other Black Maternal Health Caucus Co-Chair, Congresswoman Lauren Underwood, as well as Senators Kamala Harris and Cory Booker. I kid you not! Cory Booker even complimented me on my Momsrising t-shirt that I had on! #HowSway right? I truly gained nuggets of value from every panelist and look forward to teaming back up with them in the future if the opportunity arises. But right now, I wanted to offer four ways a doula can help a pregnant mom during COVID-19.
Since many people still don’t know what a doula is, I will explain it. A doula is an unmedically trained birth worker. We exist to make a pregnancy smooth and easy for everyone involved. We provide a wide range of supplemental services before, during and after labor. We are there from preconception to post delivery to answer questions, make connections, help moms find her own voice, and provide customized services that make moms life empowered. If our practice was on a flow chart, It would be right under midwives. Only because we work outside of the labor and delivery room, not legally covered to deliver babies in most states, and in most states, our fees are covered privately.
But most doulas know it’s time to call the dr. when the baby is measuring too small for your pregnacy, (smaller fetal height), too much cramping, bleeding, severe back pain, funky- bloody discharge, little fetal movement in late pregnancy, and possible ongoing fever just to name a few alarms.
To learn more about my birthing services, please click here. The uncertainties of the Coronavirus automatically puts pregnant moms in a high risk category. Which is understandable. Most would also understand how frustrating it could be as well. And that’s my friend where your doula could be a God send for you! Here’s four ways a doula can help RIGHT NOW:
1. Via Video Call – Your Personal Workout Buddy.
A. Your doula can help your prepare your body for delivery. The moves she share will help you get pregant, stay pregnant, ease delivery and assist in getting your body back in shape after delivery.
B. Counseling. Most doulas are moms. Not all are moms or women, but most are. They understand how you are feeling. Even if it’s something she isn’t familiar with she has a listening ear to offer solutions and comfort.
C. How – To’s – Get the best information for your birt of choice! What to putin your diaper bag, Practice how to communicate with the hospital staff, Learn how to wrap your hair,/& belly, how to pick out car seats, and more.
D. Spiritual Health- DISCLOSURE – not all doulas rely on the ways of their African ancestors as a resources, but I do. I sing, I touch, I hmm, and truly connect with my moms to ensure she is confident in her new role as much as possible.
2. Via Phone. – A Caring and Resourceful Voice
2A. Affirmations. You can get affirmation read to you to help start your day or help you get through it.
2B. Verbal Check Ins – You’re quarantined. Your mate will be in your face. You have zero desire to get dressed or much less brush your teeth. Neither do I . Use the magic of voice. Your doula can sense how you’re doing with particular questions and cues. If needed she can make suggestions and referrals to assist you remotely.
3. Via Email/Text- Get It In Writing.
3A.Your doula can send you reminders to workout, help complete your birth plan, remind you to call your boss for paid leave*, assist you in order your exercise ball, etc.
4. Via USPS, General Delivery – Rain, Shine, Sleet or Snow……. it’s Coming To The Do’ (door)!
4A. Let’s all admit it. There’s something exciting about getting mail. Many doulas create/ & sell birthing supplies like bath salts , aroma therapy, herbal blends for lactation and more.
4B. She can have a healthy, non – contact, locally sourced meal delivered to your front door.
As you can see, a doula is loaded with resourcefulness. Some more than others. The key is to ask questions, and be flexible. She wants to help. She’s certified to help and because everyone is quarantined….she’s available to help! Shucks, I’m available- Call me!
Being safe at home has never been more important. Unfortunately, fear— fear for our health and for our families— has motivated the panic buying of firearms, particularly by first-time gun owners. But fear-purchasing firearms isn’t a way to safety. In fact, research shows the opposite: Bringing a gun into a home makes the home less safe, and this is particularly true in the current moment when domestic violence is increasing.
My daughter texts and say,”Mom, please come do your doula thing. I’ll pay you.” Now, how can I say no to an offer like that? So off I went. When I walked in the laboring mom was not alone. She had a her mom, boyfriend, little brother, and dad there, so obviously I didn’t know how I would fit in, but very soon, I seen the need. This teen parents had so much on their mind. Missed working hours, their own major medical appointments, and feeding their own younger children. I sensed quickly that although they were physically there with Shawnte’, they we’re not mentally. That’s why my daughter asked me to come.
Me giving a pain relieving massage.
As I entered the door, I sprung into work. after saying hello to everyone, I asked mom to be how she was feeling and gave her, her very 1st gift, a much needed massage. While doing so, I asked her if she knew what was about to happen. How her body would open up a like a lotus flower. I also asked her what did she know about labor and delivery. To my surprise that she knew nothing ,so I filled her in with a clear conversation and pictures between labor pains.
That conversations seemed to relax her a lot, so then we started to discuss other birthing things. When it seemed like she was getting uncomfortable, I started reciting labor affirmations to her. With her being teen, AND having so many people in the room, she couldn’t really focus on what I was saying so I tried something else….. The birthing ball and Youtube! This warrior was smiling, and singing Katy Perry’s “Hear Me Roar.”
After cries, scratches, moaning, even more questions, and 30+ hours later Destyn arrived via C Section. No, it wasn’t our plan, but he’s here, healthy and well loved. Mama deserves a recovery smoothie, and I earned one on one time with my newest love! All hail Prince Destn!! And yes, my daughter will pay her bill, in spite of the fact, that I loved the job.:) Whoose next?