Friday Four: Graduation and Absent Parents

High School Graduation  brings all types of newness. 

I have a classmate that gave her daughter to a community friend. This year she graduated from high school and I was so pleasantly surprised to see here there supporting her child. It signified a a new chapter for them both. No matter what happened in the past,she was there and her child needed that. Another classmate of mine told me her nieces mom didn’t even showed up and the graduate actually cried on her BIG day.  What I want to share with any absent parent, let go of the ego and get your child!  Unless you are a creep, molester, etc,. the current guardian can no longer keep you from your child.  Yes, honey, it’s YOUR TIME TO bond!

Need help making it happen? I got you. Here’s FOUR ways To To Take Advantage Of This bonding Opportunity:

1. Apologize for everything. Some things could have happened and you may not be aware of it.It may not even be your fault. Something could have happened completely out of your control. Own up to it.Gone on, claim your ‘ish.  Sort through all of it.But don’t put blame completely on the child and other guardian*
2. Answer Offer to Answer any and all questions she/her may have. You’ll be embarrassed,but keep the end goals in mind. Sometimes you have to “UNTIE KNOTS “to get on a smoother road. Now is that time.
3. Ask for a relationship. Don’t be crazy and ask her/him to call you mamma/daddy, but ask can we build some type of relationship from here.
4. Find ways to be significant. You already know your child will need a mini fridge. Go buy it. Create a pintrest page to share with her/him. Keep it updated with college tips and advice. Send monthly care packages, Send gift cards to local venues/attractions in her /his college town. Whatever you do, keep sincere. While you will never make up for lost time, you most certainly can create a special relationship with your child that will never be broken. When she celebrate- you celebrate. When she upset, you find ways to put a smile on her face that no one else can.

These are my personal tips. They are working so far for me. Met my number 3.(yes, I altered her face)  She and I are building a real bond now.I know in my heart, she’s another reason why my professional services create more opportunities for me to be in her life. I’m not wasting the opportunities.  I’ll let you know how that goes!

 

At Times Loves means Saying No and Meaning It!

If you raise your children to feel that they can accomplish any goal or task they decide upon, you will have succeeded as a parent and you will have given your children the greatest of all blessings. – Brian Tracy

My name is Kelle and I have created 9 people. I hug them, kiss them, let them sit on my lap, talk with them, and even share their pictures any chance I get.  But I’m NOT raising punk! I know people only change when they have to. If I don’t teach my children  how to love, fix their own mess and be responsible, they will have a hard time functioning as responsible independent adults. 

After I lost my 11yr old daughter to AIH in 2005, my motherhood goals awakened. I wanted to be the best mom I could be. If I could drive, bus, somewhere, my tribe is there. No Mother Wounds OR CockPit Parenting, just passionate motherhood. For example,let’s take the CEO of a fortune 500 company.That person spend hours learning the skills, they get up  each morning thinking of ways to improve the company. Every decision must be passed by and approved by this person.This person knows and cares for this business many times more than themselves. Well, I do all of that, but for my children AND my vested interest are humans.

 

We may not be able to prepare the future for our children, but we can at least prepare our children for the future. – President Franklin D. Roosevelt

The wisdom and morals parents can pass on to their offspring is priceless.To be responsible adults when they get older, they can’t be responsible if we are still doing everything for them and won’t let them out of our sight. If you need guidance, see QCSUPERMOM. I would love to assist you with personlized parenting strategies!

 

To great parents, may we know them, Be them, Encourage them and Support them. ~   Kelle

AVOID CRIPPLING YOUR KIDS WITH KINDNESS

Read More On Mother Wounds

Great Parenting Quotes

Toxic Parenting  (Pleas eread this)

Children shouldn’t raise children. A BPD/NPD is often described as a child in an adult’s body. Emotionally and psychologically speaking, this is often true. These individuals can be incredibly immature and seem to be stuck at an early age of emotional development. Many of my clients who share a child with a BPD/NPD mother watch in amazement (and relief) as their children surpass their wives in emotional maturity, empathy and problem-solving skills.

Most things are good, and they are the strongest things; but there are evil things too, and you are not doing a child a favor by trying to shield him from reality. The important thing is to teach a child that good can always triumph over evil. – Walt Disney

Wednesday Wow: Sister SoulJah in the QC

Happy Black History Month people! My month of reflection began last week when Sister SoulJah visited the Beatties Ford Rd. library in Charlotte NC. It was like a dream come true. I now have one less thing to accomplish on my Bucket List!

I believe in divine interventions. I believe that you are where you are, sent elsewhere, drawn toward something or some one beyond your conscious efforts. It’s like the minute you intentional strive to be a certain way, your path opens up! The I decided that I would be the best mom I could be. So I sought support. I know I wanted  to connect with people who have taken various paths in life to become the incredible leaders they are today.  (In this video, it’s another great woman, Cheryl LittleJohn of Gastonnia)

During a recent visit to my local library, I seen a flyer saying Sister Souljah was coming to Charlotte for a book signing of her book The Coldest Winter Ever  (you can buy it on Amazon via the high light link)

This was perfect because I had just received her first book from my daughters. They found it in a bin at a local book store for free!

It’s called, No DISRESPECT.  It took me 3 weeks to read it. Not that it’s a hard read or anything, it’s just that I wanted to break it up in sections to use as a conversation piece while taking my girls to school across town in the mornings. It proved to be an asset. Our conversations were deeper. They opened up about the peers and day environment more easily. It’s because she is so relative, approachable, and in sync, I know her books will always  have a place within my family’s book shelf.

It was a honor to be in her presence with my teen daughters.  Sometimes when we tell our children things, they don’t always “get it!” Even if you experience it and crying your eyes out to warn them. But when it comes from another person. that speaks to them on their level. Spitting out a”  MF*”  here and there….. they tend to get it!

Here’s my short handed-cliff notes. I wrote them on the back of the paper I had signed for two mama friends. I wrote what she said. Do not let your child read it before you.

Sister SoulJah

 

 Sister Souljah

October 5, 2015 ·

It’s been a long time. I haven’t wasted even a second. Been writing, editing, learning, teaching, and traveling the globe. This year, from 11/11 onward, is for the readers and book buyers. We will meet face to face. Share thoughts and converse meaningfully, and become better than we were before, each and all of us, InshaAllah.

If you want to sing your book and listen to her in person, meet her at her next book signing: click below!

http://www.sistersouljah.com/tour/

Friday Four: Is Your Birthday December 25th?

A lot of people are gonna hate me for this one. Some businesses will too, but it must be said. Christmas is not your child’s birthday, why do you struggle over one day? It completely defeats the spirit of the season.

I had great Christmas as a child. My parents got us something every year. Not huge things, like a car or the latest sneakers but nice gifts. I remember my ET doll, the handheld Nintendo games, the Pretty Cut and Grow doll and  as I got older,  cash. Now ask me about my birthdays and I’ll tell you how special I always felt that one week in October! I’m so grateful they kept it in perspective for us.

With kids, it can be tricky and sometimes pointless to explain your budget, goals and situation. But you gotta do it. I’ve seen first hand how the good intentions of parents and other loved ones can quickly go bad. …… Yeeees, I’ll explain why.

1. Parents are teaching their children to be materialistic. If you are gonna shop, buy something they really need. Something that will make them a better person spiritually, educationally, nutritionally, physically, financially or even environmentally.

Give, Me Give Me Give Me. I know a parent that has one child. The child does no work in school or at home but trust and believe, that child has over $1200 in Christmas gifts coming to him. I asked why would you spend that much on him and he’s not doing the basic chores of being a child and the dad said because he’s my only son. After that comment, I reached for my glass of tea, like Kermit.’

2. Parents borrowing money to buy expensive gifts.  Would you believe that some parents take out loans for Christmas shopping? Showing love should never be so crippling. Debt is a form of slavery you know. 

3 Are you really gonna give someone else credit for putting that huge smile on your child’s face? (I can’t do it. I work waaaaay to hard for that to happen)

4. You’re lying to your child.  There is no Santa! It’s ok,  to teach your children that charity begins at home.

Langston Paterson- from South L.A.

I already know that the in laws, aunts and uncles are gonna  buy them something.  When it happens, we will  graciously accept it. Then say, “I’m surprised by your present. We had agreed not to do this, so I don’t have one for you in return.” Thank you.”  Make sure not to buy the person a gift in return (until their birthday or if out and see something really affordable that hey need or like). Your word is your word; be true to it.

To me, Christmas is about spending quality time with my family, listening to the kids play and argue, cooking with my children and getting some extra sleep while the older kids and/ my husband take the smaller kids out.  All of the years that I spent buying Christmas gifts were not lost, it just took me time to evolve into appreciating time with my family as the most important gift that I could possibly receive and give them. (After loosing a daughter you realize that time is the most precious gift! )

It’s also about serving others in need. As a matter of fact, myself and a few awesome humans are going scarf bombing this weekend in a local park.  Wanna join us? CLICK HERE!

Happy Holidays everyone!

Jabela, QC Supermom

 

Baba Doula

A few years ago I was surfing on Facebook. I came across a name that really intrigued me. It was a guy named Baba Doula!

He had the sweetest family and the most adorable little girl. So I felt comfortable approaching him. It did help that he was  socially conscious and  knew people in high places…..(and who doesn’t LOVE Ms Erykah She Ill Badu?)

The name alone made me  search through his profile to learn more about him. I looked through pictures, comments on his timeline , and even his friend list to get a better sense what type of person he was. He checked out to be a really upstanding fella so I befriended him and quickly asked,  “What’s up with that name?  The conversation went like this:

ME: Morning Baba. Are you a doula? Your name is throwing me off.

Free em all! Lol… Allow me to try and explain Sis.

ME: Lol, I’m listening….

Did you see the post on my time line from 17 JAN about jailed father for daughters vaccination?

I didn’t  see it but I quickly went to find it. Some time later,  I engaged him again. This time it was to learn more about his passion for birthing, life and if possible, more about him as a husband.  So he shared: 

I’m Baba Doula!  My nom de plume, my moniker, which like our child was conceived / created out of love. As you know, Baba means father and Doula is one who serves a woman doing childbirth. I am a husband, and a father to a darling little girl named Tsage. It never even occurred to me the all of the struggles a woman must go through before, during, and after childbirth. When we found out we were with child, I began reading, watching, and educating myself to the point of passing out and having nightmares literally. Prenatal DVDs, cooking fine cuisines, mediation, bonding, Bradley Method childbirth class. It was King Solomon who said, “There’s nothing new under the sun.” Old African birthing wisdom, such as squatting during labor, moving around freely, being able to eat and drink freely, and relaxing has been repackaged into an expensive birthing class. But thankfully, friends of ours donated half the money so we could take it. We also procured a doula to augment my own support during labor. Lastly, we hired a placenta encapsulation specialist to ensure a smooth postpartum transition. And although I am not the one who gives birth, my politics do, and is shaped from the reality by those who did, and those who continue to bring life into this world.

ME: You mentioned ” We have slight generational and culture parenting differences.” Everyone doesn’t agree with me…… But I’m curious…… what do you think is the biggest difference?

Months later I engaged him again. He then shared.

I grew up in the 80’s and she grew up in the 90’s. James from Good Times was my “TV Dad.” While she had Bill Cosby. It wasn’t frowned upon to spank your child. Ash don’t believe in spanking, she hasn’t seen a House Party film either. So sweeping a broom over your foot, cutting the seat out of old panties, keeping a piece of salt pork on top of the Frigidaire as medicine, sayings like “don’t let the hide go with the tallow”, using a piece of straw broom as a tooth pick, etc. are all foreign to her.

Did you see the post on my time line from 17 JAN about jailed father for daughters vaccination? Yes? That was him 🙂

Baba is all man, but his foundation is reminiscent of mine. It wasn’t long ago that I stood up for all breastfeeding moms in the Charlotte Mecklenburg Public Library. He is the type of person I would send my mommy and daddy friends to when my husband is worn out from responding to parenting and social questions. Well, the good news is I persuaded him to increase his profound presence to the ones that need it the most!

Help me welcome BaBa Doula to QC Supermom!!! We are so happy to have his perspective in our pubic, liberal,  holistic,  community! Let the fun begin!

Baba is available for family centered product reviews, daddy consultations and even speaking events! Learn more about this cool cat on our page. Click HERE !

Thrilled from The Windy City to The Queen City,

Jabela

Breastfeeding Awareness And What Else

Created By QC Supermom

August is National Breastfeeding Awareness Month. Did you know that?

Is BREASTFEEDING AWARENESS ENOUGH?

It’s been a year since the Charlotte NC Library fiasco.( See story here) I remember like it was yesterday. I sat in the library covered and was told to leave my seat to go into a 8×8 box to feed my son. Needless to say, that bird did not fly. Not only did I tell her she had no right to stop me from getting my work done at the library, but she also was violating my right to nurse my child. The nerves right?

I choose to feed him in                              dignity!

What was most surprising was the fact the enforcer sent two ladies to me TWICE before confronting me. When she did approach me, she asked me some of the most ignorant questions ever! The way I see it, a less trained mom would have snatched her baby from the boob and threw it back in her shirt, in shame, quicker than you could say peep show.That older African American supervisor had no clue that she was speaking to a empowered advocate of breastfeeding. I’m so happy it was me and I stood my ground. I know that the benefits of nursing my baby out ways any healthy baby parasite. A real change needs to be made. The Health Department here in Charlotte NC has taken great steps to encourage breast feeding, but more progress could easily be made. 

Beautiful Poem called “Embarrassed”  -click it!    

 

1. Provide more positive mentors. I’ve learned that many young moms refuse to breastfeed because no one ever told them, showed them that it was ok, and that it is better than the most expensive sneakers they could ever put on them. Keep programs like  the WIC BreastFeeding Peer group installed in the community.

2. Better representation – Is it just me or do you appreciate seeing people that look like you …..sometimes? It’s just another way of putting myself in the picture. Some people needs that visual. Mrs. B made the cover of a breastfeeding brochure but she wasn’t smiling. Yes, I looked. Can we see happy, loving married moms, single moms, siblings even moms of various color tandem nursing?

3. Install Value – Many females have been told their body is for sex only. SEX is a incredible thing, but that’s only half it’s for. Our bodies are a source of life. From our breast, ears, mouths, hearts, womb, eyes, arms, lap, legs and feet.

4. Real support from real moms – Le Lache, The United States Breastfeeding Committee,   U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, they are great information services but fail as sources for interventions and grassroots advocacy. On Face Book, you’ll see hundreds of breastfeeding groups that will jump at protecting, uplifting and spiritually supporting an oppressed nursing mom. Imagine if they were trained. What a sisterhood of force to be reckoned with!

Breastfeeding moms need more than a healthy start. They need progressive long term support long after we give birth. How else would she know how to respond to an NIP

( nursing in public) attacker if no one teaches her?

Even after delivery moms with little support NEED to be told to keep going. It’s get better. The colostrum is enough. His tummy is very small right now. 

Watch this rap video….. it’s really good and I even don’t like rap!

Well, time to feed Noah, Take Care- QC Supermom

B R E A S T F E E D

Wednesday Wow-Dear George, why?

(I previously published this but pulled it becuase the subject title was too strong. My sister called it “Wrong timing” with out reading it. Because I think this is a topic that is not addressed as much as it should be. I’ve changed the title. But the info is the same. So without any further delay, read it & let’s talk about it. )

I am so sad as I write this. I’m in such a place of disbelief.

As an adult you become somewhat numb to life events but what,better yet how are you suppose to react to the death of a dead beat father? How to you tell your child that the guy that gave your mom the sperm to help create you has transitioned?  Well, guess who has that honor of sharing the crappy news today?

My 1st child’s father.  R.I.P. 5/19/13

 

In my mind the two of them would get to a point where they would create a desirable relationship beyond ” Hello, what’s up and I heard that_____. or guess what, you have another sibling.”  As a young mom I told myself that I would prove to him that he made a mistake in not getting to know his son. He told me that he and his father had a awful relationship, I really hoped that he and my sons would be better. In spite of the money, our son would benefit greater from getting to know him. I did it. Thanks to my dad, his coaches, and my husband, so far he is doing well, but to tell you the truth, I have never felt so simple in my life. There was no point in thinking that way. I would rather he be alive and watch it for himself without any underlying agenda to throw it in his face. Because he wasn’t a mean guy. Just missing in action. Well, no need in delaying the inevitable, time to tell my son the news. Talk to you later.

You made me laugh.

We got pregnant,

then you

You made me cry,

because you walked away.

I laughed when he was born.

Laughed even louder after his succesful second year of college.

I smiled when he said the two of you talked yesterday.

Today, I cry when I heard that you died last night.

RIP- George

Thank you for my son,

Your 2nd baby mama, Kelle  

Absent dads, it is time to step up and be a active dad. Call your children and tell them sorry for being missing in action. Then actually stay around and be a positive force in their life. No one is promised tomorrow. -QC Supermom

Friday Four: The blueprints of a confident child designed by YOU!

Earlier this week I was asked how to give a child a decent confidence boost. The short answer is to parent from a limitless place of love. Of course that seems a bit tad vague so I’ve listed four different ideas below. 

1.What to say to them.  “You are so amazing!” Celebrate the positive. Everyone responds well to encouragement, so make an effort to acknowledge the good things your child does every day within his earshot.

2.What to do with them.

Let your child make mistakes and discover ways to solve problems on her own.

Really listen to your child. Most parents find it very easy to tell their children what they want but have a much more difficult time listening to what their kids want and need. To truly hear your child is to understand not only what she is saying but also what the underlying message is and to understand her needs.

3.What to say to yourself:

“Not only is he/she a gift from God, but I am raising someone’s  future friend, husband, wife, boss.” I have to be mindful of who, and what I expose my child to.

4  What you should be doing for yourself. Keep in mind you are your child’s first mirror. Parents are the psychological mirrors which children use to define themselves; to figure out who they are and how they fit into their world. This is because an infant is born without a sense of self and parents help create his first images of who he is and what his value is in the world. As children get older and their world becomes bigger, they discover more mirrors, such as friends, relatives, teachers, child care workers. However, for better or for worse, it is the parents who create the foundation for a child’s sense of self through all of their experiences, especially words and actions.

Don’t forget to carve out time for yourself.  30 minutes is enough time to brush your teeth and take a shower (just kidding, but do make time for yourself) 

Yes, we want our children to be happy and confident.  But that confidence must grow from the inside to be real and resilient — if we try to confer confidence through praise our kids will be on shaky ground whenever challenges arise. Build them on a solid foundation based on encouragement, exposure, patience and a ring pass not.

Other notes on the subject:

Notes: Be a Positive Mirror “Shortly after the birth of our eighth child, I was overwhelmed with two babies in diapers and the needs of four older children at home. My stress was reflected in my face; I was often not a happy person. Fortunately, I recognized what I was showing of myself to my children. I did not want my children growing up believing that mothering is no fun or that they caused me to be unhappy. I sought help, fixed my inner feelings and polished my mirror so that my children could see a better image of themselves.”

YOUR CONFIDENCE- You want to be confident and feel confident, but what if you’re starting with little or no confidence? How do you get from Point A to Point B? True self-confidence isn’t an overnight acquisition. It takes dedication to realize you are a good human being that is worthy of respect and love.

 

Detailed tips here! I don’t see a reason to reinvent the wheel. There is already great information out there. 

 

 “Think like a queen. A queen if not afraid to fail. Failure is another stepping stone to greatness.” – Oprah

Wednesday Wow: Dear Mom of the “Potty Mouth Child.”

Dear mom of Little Jean, today I seen Little Jean cursing, yelling, arguing, ignoring his teacher, refusing requests, name-calling, hitting……

I know you think it’s cute and everything but, trust me, it’s gonna wear out really soon.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Trust me. No one wants to be “that mom” who has….”that child” but how you train them makes a world of difference. Allowing “Lil Jean” to be snobby or disrespectful, or act like a brat is not cool.( I don’t care how cute you dress them up.) When mine try to waltz down that road, I nip it in the bud by creating innovative ways to help them solve their own problems more respectfully. Yes, I know that you can’t turn them into angels overnight,it take patience. Even if you haven’t been good at setting limits or teaching your child to be respectful along the way, understand that you can decide to parent differently right now.

Correcting is not conclusive to hitting, time out embarrassing. slapping, spanking, and even yelling. 

I laugh at my girls often. After they get upset with me or their dad. I quickly say “I’m not your friend!” If you liked me all of the time, I’m not doing my job, It’s inevitable that at times our kids are going to be angry at us, and that we’re going to set some limits that they don’t like. But that’s okay—that just means we’re doing our job as a parents.

The goal is that you train your child to behave differently. Let’s face it, there’s nothing worse than going through life treating people badly—it won’t help your child function in the real world if she’s allowed to be rude and disrespectful. Kids have to get the message early.
Remember, the goal is for kids to be able to function in the real world and go on to be responsible adults who can live on their own. Or do you plan to have them live with you forever? Now is the time to train them as they should be as adults.

 

If they don’t learn how to be respectful to others growing up, it’s much harder to learn as an adult. Change is hard but it can happen at any time. When you want things to be different, you just have to do some work.

 

I have listed some resources to use, otherwise there is no use for the post- right. Feel free to share it with other moms in need of a gentle reminder. Start with mine that I use with the boys:  I have them introduce themselves to new friends.  “Grandma, this is my friend Sid”, or “Ms. Edwards, I want you to meet my cousin .”

Ten Suggestions on How to Teach Your Children to Behave at Someone Else’s House

This is a great video with tips on how to encourage good behaviors

You gotta check this one out. She even has a fb page where she shares free resources!

Best of luck with that, QC Supermom

Wednesday Wow! Being a SAHM

I am a proud mother of 9. Yes, I said NINE. Three short of a nice round dozen. I have been a stay/work at home mom for over ten years now, and have learn to enjoy every minute of it! I love, love, love being with my children and watching them grow every step of the way and I am constantly amazed at the things they do and say-and how quickly they learn. They are like sponges -and constantly absorb the world around them. Yet,

being a stay at home mom is anything but easy. I don’t try to have a perfectly clean house, ironed shirts, or gourmet meals. Walk into my house between 8-noon,you will see my 2 year old writing(on walls) or in front of the TV watching PBS or Nick Jr. You’ll see my 4 year old on his laptop or study book, the 5 year old inside his study book or other manipulatives, the teen girls engaged in their self guided assignments or at the library doing research. By 3, it’s free time till 5:30 dinner and bedtime by 9pm.

 I have been told you have your hands full more times than I would like to have been. Well I do. I go to the market daily. Twice a week we go to story time,Kid Yoga & UNC Charlotte Early Educator learning stations at the library. The 1st Saturday of each month, we go to the Kids Workshop at Home Depot, on Thursdays we eat dinner at Earth Fare (kids eat free*)  and on Mondays, we are at Monkey Joes. Since I also home school, we do a science project every 3 weeks and the remainder off the week are intensive study days. Sundays I’m day off. My husband take over.

Motherhood is a full- time job.  I think the key is making sure you get some grownup talk and support routinely. I am a founding member of Queen City Stay At Home Moms, and it’s wonderful if I do say so myself. Since everyone there was on single income, most of the activities are affordable. Try to find something that you can do that’s just for you, and do it with out the kids. And last but not least, don’t forget to squeeze in a date night with the hubby every once in a while! 😉

Hopefully, I’ve alleviated some fears of  becoming a productive Stay At Home Mom.  At the end of the day, if given the choice, stay at home!  The financial aspects of it have never been easy, but so far it’s worth all the conservative spending, home made veggie pizza, and the millions of educated play dates we’ve attended. Ultimately, it’s up to each family to decide what is right for them. Just make sure you have a good support group of friends, and try to enjoy every minute with your little ones. They grow up way too fast!

If you know a SAHM or dad, forward them this blog post and consider it a round of 

applause for all they do. You deserve it!  Well, till the next “boo-boo”, take care,  QC Supermom